This blog made me depressed, but it taught me how to express myself.
Nothing to see here
Nothing to see here.
I miss you, poo
I miss you, son. I miss the baby boy I once held in my arms. The innocent, the uninfluenced child that you used to be.
I wish I knew what I did that hurt you. I wish I knew why I keep blaming myself only.
Was a bad mom in your eyes? Was too selfish in your eyes?
Why can’t you love me or try and understand what I went through, or even what I suffered through?
Why don’t you even care?
It’s time to let go
I was so sick and tired of people telling me that my son would “eventually” come around. Eventually “see” me. Eventually realize my sacrifices (stay in a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage for over 15 years) that I made for him and eventually love me like a son is supposed to love his mother.
My therapist finally made me realize that “eventually” isn’t guaranteed and I’m sick and tired of waiting on my son to show me that he loves me. Instead he up and abandoned me. Just like that. It’s like I don’t even exist to him. 😥
He’s 22 now. He doesn’t call or text me. Or at least since December 2021 which was after I mailed him his Xmas gift. I haven’t heard a peep from him since.
I’m done being emotionally abused by my own son. I’m done.
The DATING GAME
The most embarrassing thing about this whole DATING GAME (because that’s pretty much what I discovered that it is), is that that’s just what it is. A game. It expires after so long. Like the date on a yogurt, a refrigerator shelf life on milk or shredded cheese or maybe …..
That’s all I need…
I don’t think I want or ask for too much, do I? The only person who’d be able to answer this question would be someone very, very close to me and right now I don’t think I’ve allowed anyone to become this close.
It’s unbelievable, but it’s real
I’ve never felt this way before. Wanted, cared about, adored, desired, told I was beautiful, valued, worthy of someone’s time.
It’s unbelievable, but it’s real.
Mindful Touch
*Mindful Touch*
Physical contact
makes his mind react
To touch he claims
sends himself into
a place of zen
a meditative state
deep within him
In what I first imagined
being either fireworks
or undeniable pleasure
I was mistaken
Nevertheless, being
on the receiving end
of his touch
Knowing now that
it’s a healthy mindful
touch
Is causing me to feel
deeper affectionate
emotions more and
more everyday
© she
January 1, 2022
I’m not a single person anymore
Therefore, I’ve got to stop thinking and acting single-mindedly. I’m in a whole relationship now. Can you believe it? I can’t. 🤣 Yeh, I just laughed at myself. 🤪😜
It’s so surreal, but why does it have to be? Isn’t this supposed to be a normal feeling for the average person? Instead, it’ll be me disassociating and asking myself “why am I acting like this or that, or why aren’t I doing this or that to make so-and-so happier?”
I’ve even preached when I was married that relationships take two people, not just one person, to make it work. I want to avoid being that person not helping make it work.
Likewise, I resented my husband for his unrequited actions. I want to avoid being resented for mine. The heat 🔥 is on. 🥵
My Poetry
I once wrote a poem which told you that when I was happier I’d write a poem about it.
However; when I said that I was living in a miserable, sad and lonely environment.
Now, I have no excuses not to write even more powerful emotional poetry which aren’t based on my hatred for another person.
RECOVERING from Narc Abuse – STAGES
PREVIOUS : Recovery from N Abuse QUOTE : “Giving up the addiction is more than just giving up on the narc. It’s giving up on the hopes & dreams they promised, but never fulfilled.” 💟 The following 4 groupings come from accumulated recovery research by Alka Shingwekar, after leaving a long-term marriage to an […]
RECOVERING from Narc Abuse – STAGES
Un-be-freaking-liev-able!
Of all the millions and millions of women on Facebook how did I get rooted out?
Just when I thought things were looking up and my confidence was growing a mutual Facebook friend messages ME (can you believe it!?) and explains how he follows and enjoys my posts and has been into me for a while. Truthfully, at first I thought he was joking because it’s really rare when anyone’s into me. 😥 I’m just a rare breed. 🤷🏽♀️
However, I was EXTREMELY FLATTERED. He asked in a round about way if I ever wanted to hangout sometime (and luckily he’s local) so I said yes, but apparently he’s very, very, very busy. 🤔
He’s the total opposite of the type of man that I’d date in every way possible, but he seemed very charming and I need to stop letting these type of persnickety details get in the way of finding a partner.
I’m a very patient person to a certain extent. We Facebook messaged for a bit, till I decided to push my number at him. The first push I felt like he ignored it. Then I did it again, basically a reminder, that it was his idea to hangout in the first place. So let’s hangout. I wanted to meet him.
He finally calls. We speak for 45 min. He does most of the talking which is wonderful. Normally the men I attract don’t like to talk. They allow me do all the oversharing.
Before the call was over on last Tuesday night he told me how he was going to be very busy the next few days and he started rattling off days. I told him I wouldn’t be able to remember his schedule and that I needed to write it down. He must have thought I was joking, but I wasn’t. He told me not to worry about it, but that he would be sending me little football messages (the type back in highschool where you fold up the pager into little triangles; which I assumed were text messages) periodically. I told him that I’d appreciate that.
Well, Wednesday passed, Thursday Thanksgiving Day passed, Friday (the day I know he mentioned something about driving down to my city for a possible date) passed, Saturday passed. I didn’t hear a peep from him. By Saturday night I was FURIOUS! 🔥😡 If your asking yourself why I didn’t text him it’s because if a person tells me they’re going to be busy, busy, busy, they thing I want to do is disrespect that and disturb them. However;
Why do I feel played? I’m done. This is over NOW.
When someone has interest in me I need to know why
Yes, I want to be in a relationship, but I’m still afraid. I thought I was ready, but after the DateBritishGuys, experience, I’m done, petrified all over again.
The last fellow just made me feel unworthy all over again, or perhaps I made myself feel unworthy, or perhaps he was a narcissist.
I called this fellow out on his lack of interest in getting to know me, then he accused me of trying to sabotage a relationship that hadn’t even begun yet just because I told him that I didn’t think he was fully invested in getting to know me, i.e., he barely texted. He maybe gave me 5 minutes of his time a day.
I felt my right to question this was purely legitimate. So, I thought I’d give him a 2nd chance to behave differently, but he didn’t. So I bailed. I’m a quitter. So, what. I don’t have the energy anymore to keep trying.
When I say bailed I mean, I unfollowed him on Twitter, uninstalled my WhatsApp app and blocked him. Perhaps his only interest in me was motive-based. Which I now believe was just so he could use me to get him into the U.S.A.🤷🏽♀️
At the end of the day…
I’m going to be mentally refucked no matter what new method of thinking I try.
A man’s negative reactions and behaviors towards me are what I’ve come to expect. “Some women just have it, some women don’t. I never have.”
A beautiful woman will tell a plain average woman to simply change the way she thinks about herself, or believe the opposite of what she really is, i.e., “I’m all that and a bag of chips” and men will start seeing her as “all that and a bag of chips,” aka attracted to her.
So, the average plain woman runs to put on a little eyeliner, mascara, lipstick, and blush. She changes the way she dresses and gives this “new thinking” a try, but it doesn’t work. At least not the way those other prettier women said that it would. Nothing changes.
Bob, for example, still, doesn’t give her a second glance.
This dating site is a joke
Datebritishmen a site where if you merely mention that you’d move overseas to be with your mate it means RIGHT FRIGGIN NOW. That is not the impression that I thought was gonna happen. I figured I’d meet my British love, we’d date online, visit, after a year or two then we’d move to one another’s country and live happily ever after.
Nope, not this site. A guy who I thought seemed like a good match according to his profile actually didn’t even want to get to know me at all, but instead wanted to leave the country. I was almost down with that if he hadn’t made me feel like I wasn’t good for anything else. He didn’t even seem interested in ME.
The red flags flew left and right. Right off the bad he started talking about his ex being a narcissist. Heck, mine is too, and Lord knows I didn’t want to bring him up to use as an example in some I got accused of comparing. There were so many other red flags that at times I just wanted to ignore them all because I hate being right and ending up alone.
Okay, so I’m online dating
I think…
I don’t know, it’s a whole new experience for me. I don’t know what they hell I’m doing. How do you date exactly? The word date means different things to different people.
I even had this discussion with my therapist and I ended up in tears. Why does life have to be so complicated for me. Why must I make it so complicated? All I know that’s it’s time for me to just plug my nose and jump in the deep end and stop being such a coward. I’m not going to find a partner sitting inside my apartment.
There’s this dating site called DateBritishGuys. It’s exactly what I’ve been looking for. I just had to put in the correct words into Google search and that is what I pulled up.
Yes, I have always dreamed of being with a British man. ❤️ All of my entire life, but I didn’t know how on earth I was going to meet a British man. 🤷🏽♀️ Surprised it took me this long to actually do this, but so far it’s been an experience. There’s been some ups and downs on this particular site. I mean, I did actually pay for a three month subscription afterwards if nothing comes of it, I may as well become a nun. Nevermind, I practically am one already. Lol
DBT Skills Group
Why is my brain trying to sabotage me?
Why am I struggling so freaking much in this DBT Skills Group? I talked my doc into a referral spot in the class a few months ago and ever since I’ve been making an excuse not to go ever since. Is it me, my stage fright, my anxiety, the class, take facilitators, the other group, the work,… I don’t know, but my brain shuts off as soon as I get there and I just can’t concentrate nor function.
It’s like my brain literally goes limp whenever I open the binder of worksheets and homework pages. Instantly like my brain turns to scramble eggs. 🍳 Everything I read gets hard to comprehend as if I’m in the 2nd grade.
Why is my brain trying to sabotage me??
Barely Two Words 